Let’s take our parents for example. We love them (well, maybe you do) and appreciate what they’ve done for us. Most of the time, they have given all they could for us and dedicated most, if not, all, of their lives to us, their kids. This is usually enough for us to adopt some of their points of view, out of just not wanting to disappoint them if nothing else. So you become a Republican or Democrat too. A hunter. A vegetarian. A mystic. A science fiction buff. Think about the similarities between you and your parents. Was it so strong it defined who your friends were as well? Your occupation? You choice of spouse? Interestingly, many of my friends parents have the same occupation as my friends, the same political affiliation, thoughts on religion, and so on without ever giving thought to what they REALLY believe themselves, as individuals.

Now test yourself. Think of someone that believes in something that you disagree with. Now try and figure out where their belief came from. Was it their parents, friends, job, the country they were born in? Now pick any belief that you feel strongly about and try to find the reasons you believe in it. Be honest. Did you come by this belief out of work, experience, and perseverence….or was it inadvertently handed to you. You’r honestly here will determine the worth of this article.

Do you have the courage to admit and feel differently? I hope you do. It’s hard though. It can feel like you’re betraying your parents, friends, etc..but it creates a real you and not one that someone else made. Oh, and the world, it’s better off for it.

Be you. Be strong. Know how YOU feel about things and speak of it. Don’t be shy. Research, google, search, work at it, wander…and find some answers. Life becomes fulfilling this way when you find these wonderful surprises and convictions on your own. Challenge yourself.

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We are going to make this as plain and simple as possible. Write down 3 to 10 things that you don’t like about yourself that you think you may have learned from your parents or maybe harbor from some unpleasant early life experiences. I am not asking you to cast dispersions in your mind about their parenting skills or anything, stay away from the tricky stuff like this, just stay with me and on task. Admit that we all are human and there is no such thing as a perfect parent. Maybe they did their best, maybe they didn’t but that’s not what we’re talking about…and that bad things happen to everyone. Now focus!

Are you judgmental, elitist, racist, condescending, pleasing, temperamental, passive, aggressive, too nice, too mean, needy, uncommunicative? Write it down..real quick like. Don’t think to hard, you know your shortcomings. Just admit them, 3 to 10. Now, in 3 minutes or less.

Step Two: Let go.

Now forgive yourself for these unpleasantries in your being. They are not your fault. They never were. You either learned them along the way or they were hardwired into you al long time ago. Sure, you are responsible for your actions and being a better person, but for now all you should do is admit to these things and quickly forgive yourself for them. We all have them, it is natural so don’t beat yourself up.

Understand that there are millions of others with the same shortcomings, that came to them through genetic predispositions or environmental mishaps or disasters and that while we all have similar issues, we all came into them via different channels. Your unique experience is your own, as is your personality. So admit to your flaws with good feelings, take a good hard look in the mirror and accept things as they are and neatly and cleanly decide what you want to change and what you’re ok with staying the same…but that’s another post.

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Now let me ask you this. Does is usually seem hard, if not down right impossible ,to actually do the changing? Again, why did I ask? Whether it’s weight, sadness, financial, time management, cleaning up after yourself (or others), being a pleaser, being too mean, being too nice, what have you, we all could stand improvement. It’s what makes us human.

So what’s the trick? How do we instate change and make things stick? It might seem that we can get out of the gate and make a good start only to slide backwards in time,… to have to start all over again. I know you dieters know what I’m told about. Well, the trick is to start change at a fundamental level before ever trying to conquer that “other” change that you so desperately want. What does this mean?

What this means is to first enable a change in yourself in the areas of will, discipline, understanding, and the restructuring of the meaning of our “rewards”.  This sounds like hard stuff ,and it is, but the payoff is that changing things beyond this becomes much easier. Let’s break it down.

1. Will – You have to want it. How bad do you want it? Ask yourself. Bad enough to forego simple pleasures? Bad enough to stop rewarding yourself when you’ve done something well and stop rewarding yourself when you’ve failed and don’t feel good about yourself (negative rewarding)? You have to answer yes to both or this won’t work.

2. Discipline – Can you stop yourself from being weak? Can you push yourself? Come on, you’ve seen Biggest Loser. You have to push harder to get results, no matter what you’re trying to achieve.

3. Understanding – This is a big one. You have to understand that you will lose your “will”. You will have weak moments in your discipline. You will lack moments of clarity and judgement. And when this happens, any one of them, you are in danger of slipping back to where you don’t want to be. You have to be prepared for these moments and “understand” that they are going to happen. You have to expect them and when they arise, acknowledge them and react accordingly by invoking 1. and 2.

4. Reward restructuring. Another big one. You’ve had a life of habit with things that bring you comfort. They work for you (or at least you think they do) and habits are oh so hard to break. The truth is, to break habits you need to replace the bad ones with better ones. This is why those with unhealthy lifestyles might end up being fitness freaks. They’ve traded the bad for the good. It’s a tried and true technique that really works and once you’ve made the change and it feels so much better. Remember, you need to come up with a replacement “good” habit for your bad ones. Hard to do -yes. But it is required. One example that I like to use is a simple cookie. A cookie tastes great and always will, but the after effects of guilt (dieting is this example but you can find a “cookie” in almost any scenario) can make the quick reward of the cookie not worth it. You have to be able to look beyond the quick fix of the cookie and see the negative effects of the “later on” guilt and let it drive you. Conversely, eating healthy and foregoing the cookie will provide the after effect of success and self esteem and confidence and so on and so on. learn to look ahead in your consequences so as to drive a better “now”.

So the break down of the four steps does seem daunting I know. But change does not and will NEVER come easy. Just keep these guidelines in mind if you ever want to get serious.

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The more stuff we have, the more choices we have, and hence, the more decisions we have to make. It can often make things worse, and our heads spin. It’s a carousel of grabbing at the brass ring, always inches away. What’s the next thing and are we good enough yet?

The solution? All you have to do it get off the ride. But you have to want to, the conductor won’t make a stop special for you, in fact, he wants to keep you on and spinning and always reaching for something better. It sells.

The sick cycle keeps us consuming and comparing and trying to constantly improve what doesn’t need improving at all. It sets us up for never ending goal chasing. It is so much a part of societies and media hype that most of us aren’t even aware it’s happening. It’s so consistent that it’s a blur, blending in with our day to day. It often makes us think we’re inferior or needing something else to be happy, without us even know that it’s happening. It’s become pervasive and viral in our own neighborhoods….are we smiling a genuine smile just like that far away family? Hmmm, not sure about that one.

So the idea here to to try and give up a little and see how it feels. You don’t have to ween yourself off of everything but why not try a week without fast food, an hour less of tv, gadget downsizing, outdoor activity supersizing, taking a walk, muting commercials, being vegetarian just for one week to see how it feels, or just trying to breathe more slowly, taking in the world and focusing a bit more on the important stuff. Heck, don’t do anything new but at least be cognizant than what the conductor says is “important” isn’t necessarily so. He’s wrong that conductor, just trying to make you buy yet another ticket for another spin. Get off while you can and enjoy the real you.

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And here’s what happens when you allow judgement to serve your own purposes: it backfires on you, even without you knowing it. Being  judgmental, either of ourselves or others, is a negative force in that world view. Often, people will make the mistake of judging faults in those around us in order to pump ourselves up. We judge in order to feel better about ourselves. There’s nothing new and groundbreaking there but the problem is, is doesn’t work. Your mind knows this trick and deep down, you know what you are doing. Thus, you are perpetuating the negative feelings about yourself by judging at all. The force is with you, but not the good kind Luke.

You may feel empowered by easy flowing opinions that separate us into different boxes, but the truth is, we are all the same in our hearts with the same aptitude towards goodness, badness, selfishness, cruelty, and benevolence…. and the sooner you voice it outwardly and inwardly, the better you’ll truly feel about yourself. Food for thought, and to live by.

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I must admit, I do believe that there is substance in things like meditation, holistic approaches, yoga and the like, but my problem has always been getting started or sticking to it. And trust me, I am not a “new agey” kinda guy. Then there’s the cost and the time involved. I mean, I started to look into transcendental meditation classes and WHOA NELLY! So let’s forego all of that for a second and start with a baby step. A simple, basic, quick exercise in meditation.

Here’s what you do. Get comfortable. Sit down on the floor or in a certain position where you’re not going to fall asleep and your posture isn’t asking for a correction by your local chiropractor. I usually go for the standard “Indian Style” position with my arms resting somewhere close to my knees but any comfortable position works.

Then take a few minutes to think about everything that’s buggin you, concerning you, or just on your mind and then try to let it go. This is not easy. In fact, it’s the entire point of meditation, to clear your head for a few minutes and just breathe. When you’ve reached a point where you think you might be able to concentrate, start to breathe in slowly and think about each breath as a number. Inhale slowly through your nose and say the numer “one” inside your head. Drag it out, create a sentence with a rhyming structure like “breathing one has always been fun”…then back to “one”. The idea is to stay on point without any of those daily thoughts entering and getting in the way. SSSSlowly. Now breathe out through your nose, you are still on “one”. Think about your breath. Consciously relax every muscle in your body. When it’s time to inhale again, start with “two”. Drag it out, as slowly as you please, rhyming with ease, til you’re done with your threes. And so on up until you reach ten. If I haven’t mentioned it, breathe slowly, count slowly, and don’t think about anything except the number you are on and relaxing every muscle in your body.

Repeat again, one through ten and you’re likely to have now been sitting for ten minutes or so. Let it all go. You are now meditating. Of course, it takes practice but you’ll be surprised how well this can work and how much better you’ll become at it over time. You might even find yourself relaxing when you’re not meditating. So stick with this for a week or so, once ot twice a day and see how it goes. You might just get hooked. I did.

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I know what you’re saying…. What about the folks who smile incessantly to the point of getting on your nerves because you know 90% of the smiles aren’t genuine. You know those folks, maybe you’re one of them. They are smiley, annoyingly so. I live in the South so I know all about fake smiley, it’s as common as a handshake. Even to them, I have to say thank you, as well as to their southern ancestors who have passed this down so successfully.

We can rail on these people all we want, but the truth is, they’re awesome in their fake attempts to make everything look hunky dory….because in a little way, it works. They’re like that Secret book, they are breathing happy and positive into this sometimes harsh and bleak world, one fake smile at a time. Smiles change our outlook and calm us and we instinctively react in kind, it is not a theory as much as it’s evolution and animalistic communication practices. There’s real science there so smile up, and smile hard, even when you don’t feel like it. It does you and the world good, period.

To all you frowners and serious, straight facers trying to play it cool or serious…boooooo. It doesn’t hurt anyone to turn those corners of your mouth upward.

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